I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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