dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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