FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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