Don't make out with my wife yet
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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