Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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