So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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