She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
