Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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