Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
