im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My bed smells like the plague
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