is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
