I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They are going to name an STD after you.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
