Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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