Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
