3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
