Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
