I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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