My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
