What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
