Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
