Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
