Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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