i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
