I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
