I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We have started to decorate penises.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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