I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
