This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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