cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
