FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's blow job season.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
