I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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