turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
