Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
