You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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