I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
