cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
