So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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