Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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