You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Come on in and take your pants off
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