It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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