So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
