I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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