I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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