I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
