Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
