just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
