I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
