I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
