i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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