i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
