just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
