I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
