soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
