i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
