Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
