I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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