i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
