You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
