oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
