If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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