Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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