Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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