you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
