You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
